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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26983423">Walking on Broken Glass</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/artigiano/pseuds/artigiano'>artigiano</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Because I am a sucker for hurting Eddie, Eddie dates someone else briefly, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Christopher, Mentions of the rest of them, Mutual Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:34:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26983423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/artigiano/pseuds/artigiano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Buck starts dating again, Eddie knows he needs to find a way to get over his feelings for said man before he lets the jealousy ruin their friendship. </p><p> </p><p>In which Eddie enlists the help of Hen to try to fall out of love with Buck, but some experiments are more successful than others.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>351</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Walking on Broken Glass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't know how I feel about how this turned out. (That's a lie, I feel like it didn't turn out very well, so hopefully y'all are less critical of it than I am!) I had a few different images in my head that I tied into one story, and I'm not entirely sure it didn't get away from me. </p><p>I tried to make all details of the emergency response at the end make sense, but hey, suspend your disbelief a little, okay? I'm not a physicist! </p><p>This work, while once again titled from the great Annie Lennox, was inspired by "Always", by Anna of the North. I would recommend listening to it before reading to get in the mood, but no points will be deducted if you don't.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the end, he decided to talk to Hen.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was eating him up, not being able to speak about the giant tangle of emotions swirling through him at all times. Normally, he would go to Buck when he needed to talk something out, but considering this had to do with Buck, that wasn’t an option. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want to talk to either of his sisters about this, erring on the side of keeping all details about his love life as far from them as humanly possible, and his continually strained relationship with his parents made that a choice not even worth pursuing. Even though he had been out to his family as bisexual since high school and knew neither his grandmother nor his aunt would judge, he could feel the flush crawl up his cheeks just from imagining how embarrassing that conversation would be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chim was stricken from the list of potentials because of his relationship with Maddy, and Bobby as well, because not only was it already hard enough to talk about his feelings—let alone to his </span>
  <em>
    <span>captain</span>
  </em>
  <span>, no matter if they were friends—but Bobby had a parental relationship with Buck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone, at first. He’d been dealing with the fact that he was in love with Buck for years, now, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t been able to keep it together before this. He’d kept to himself all the things that Evan Buckley did to his heart, not totally content, not necessarily happy, but accepting of the way things were—and weren’t—between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had helped that Buck had been single for so long, seemingly not interested in dating after Ali, and so it meant that he had been able to soak up Buck’s attention like the sun, play pretend in his own mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now Buck was starting to date again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So Eddie chose Hen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The not totally content and the not necessarily happy had turned quickly into discontent and unhappiness the longer that he had to hear the pitfalls of different dating apps, the awkwardness of first dates, the genuine happiness that putting himself back out there had brought to Buck. Eddie could feel himself becoming more withdrawn, quicker to bow out of group plans, but he was trying his best not to be the asshole who was openly unhappy for his best friend. It wasn’t Buck’s fault, afterall, that he was straight, and he didn’t deserve Eddie’s bad mood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew that the longer he tried to keep everything in meant that it was going to come exploding out viciously at some point, and the last time that had happened it had landed him in jail and then against a fence. And, at a certain point, Buck’s concerned glances were going to turn into a cornered conversation he didn’t want to have. So he’d been thinking for a while of grabbing Hen after a shift, planning on how to do without raising suspicion, but in the end, she got to him first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had just come back from a call that had bled over into the end of their shift, and Eddie didn’t have anywhere to be with Christopher at Abuela’s, so it was no problem for him to follow Hen when she grabbed him on the way to the locker room with a soft, “Got a sec?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tucked them into an alcove, away from prying eyes, and then turned the full weight of her concerned gaze on him. “Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first he thought she was referring to the fall he’d taken on the call. “Just a couple of bruised ribs, I’ll be fine.” There was a beat of silence and then it sunk in. “You noticed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, I think everyone has noticed that something’s been going on with you lately. I assumed, I think we all assumed, that whatever it was, you’d be talking to Buck about it, but nothing’s changed and so here we are.” He instinctively ducked his head, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. For all that he was planning on having this conversation, getting her advice, confronting the problem publicly wasn’t easy. He was still trying to find the words, when she continued. “Unless it’s about Buck?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep, calming breath in and then met her eyes. “I’m in love with Buck. I’m ridiculously, stupidly in love with him and I could deal with it before but now that he’s dating again…” He trailed off, beyond grateful that the only expression on her face was one of compassion, not the pity he’d been secretly scared of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not dealing with it?” She asked gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not. I’m in love with my best friend, and I’m not handling it well. I’m not handling it well at all, and it’s overflowing into everything. It’s spilling over into my friendship with him, and it’s not fair to him that I’m an asshole who can’t deal with being jealous.” He let out a choked sound that wasn’t quite a laugh, wasn’t quite a sob. “I feel like I’m about to burst with unhappiness, and it’s not—he’s not…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She reached up and squeezed his shoulder gently, the simple touch doing more to help than she could have known. “Have you thought about talking to him about it? Telling him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, no. He’s straight, it would just be awkward and force him to reject me, and I can’t put him in that position. He hates letting people down and having to tell your best friend that you don’t have romantic feelings for them—and can’t—is pretty much the ultimate way to let someone down. I won’t do that to him, even if it means bottling it up. And hey, I told you, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hen smiled, but he could read the sadness in her eyes. “Okay, so what can I do? What’s our plan?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that, right there, that was why Eddie loved the family he had found. It was no longer him alone, facing down the rising tides, there was someone unquestionably standing next to him, helping him keep his footing. “I need you to help me not be a dick when he’s talking about his dates, and fuck, Hen, I just need to get over him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, you know it’s not that easy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” he replied, a humorless laugh escaping his lips. “But I’m so fucking tired of this, and I need to do something to change the situation. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also am so sick of being unhappy. I’ve spent enough of my adult life feeling this way and I just need—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” she cut in, squeezing his arm again in support, and it was only when he stopped talking that Eddie realized he’d been getting progressively louder. “Sometimes the only way out is through, you know? But that doesn’t mean we can’t make things a little easier. Let Karen and I set you up on some dates.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>--- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie had forgotten how exhausting dating was, not having actively tried it since he had met Shannon, but now he was remembering all the reasons why it was so draining. Constantly having to be charming, constantly having to hold back the parts of yourself that might push someone away, constantly having to follow rules that you weren’t quite sure of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hen had been great, leaping into her role as wingwoman with boundless enthusiasm, finding person after person for dates, men and women alike, even when Eddie was admittedly too quick in nixing second dates. In a moment of self-deprecation, he had joked that she and Karen would run out of friends before finding someone he would connect with, she had just patted his cheek and said genuinely, “I’ll make all the friends in the world to help, Eddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t told anyone that he was trying to date again, nor of Hen’s involvement. The nights that Hen had arranged for him to meet up with someone had coincided with Buck’s own endless stream of engagements (and damn it if that still didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>), and so he’d never had to cancel any plans or provide an excuse. He’d still been able to see Buck on their days off, but hadn’t needed to bring it up. It gave him room to test his own feelings out about dating (which mostly consisted of </span>
  <em>
    <span>this is embarrassing, why am I putting myself through this</span>
  </em>
  <span>), time to gently ease Christopher into it, and space to do it all without teasing from the rest of the 118. Most importantly, it meant that he didn’t have to discuss his newfound social life with Buck and all the reasons why it had started now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which all worked until Greyson. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Greyson had been an introduction through one of Karen’s friends, and one of the few to make it to a second date. And then a third, and a fourth, and then before Eddie knew it, it had almost been a month of seeing Greyson exclusively. He was smart, funny, easy on the eyes, and while Eddie wasn’t over Buck, wasn’t sure he would ever be over Buck, he was enjoying having someone’s attention and to be able to give attention without restraint in return. The sex being fantastic certainly wasn’t hurting matters, either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Greyson had just dropped Eddie off at the station for his shift, Eddie having spent the night at his place while Christopher was at Abuela’s, when he heard a quiet wolf whistle from ahead of him. Adjusting his bag on his shoulder, he glanced up to see Hen leaning against the building, a wide smile on her face. “Things are still going well, I see.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t help the blush that spread across his cheeks, the small grin that tugged across his lips. “Shut up,” he grumbled, trying, and failing, to sound serious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She laughed brightly as he came even with her, clapping her hand on his back. “Nuh uh, like I’m not going to rib you when your boyfriend drops you off at the station.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not my boyfriend,” he responded with an eye roll. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he’s just the guy you’ve been dating exclusively for weeks, he’s basically your—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shoved her to the side with a laugh, veering off to go into the locker room. “Yeah, yeah, you made your point. I’ll see you upstairs for breakfast.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he changed, he made it up to the kitchen just as Bobby was sliding the plates on the table, Eddie slipping into his usual spot beside Buck without a thought. There was quiet chatter going on around him, which he only half paid attention to while drinking his coffee, until Chim’s voice broke through his distraction. “So what’s this about you having a girlfriend, Eddie?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Panic curled hot and sharp in his gut, eyes quickly cutting to Hen in shock. Chim may have gotten the gender wrong, but he’d somehow figured out there was a person, at the very least. There was no answer to be found there, though, as she looked as surprised as he did. “W-what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chim just shrugged, a small grin on his face, totally oblivious to the chaos he had created in the room. “I saw you kiss someone when they dropped you off. You’re not exactly Mr. One-Night-Stand, so I put two and two together. What’s her name and why didn’t you tell us, man? I mean, sure, Buck must have known but—” Chim’s words were cut off as a fork clattered down loudly beside Eddie, Buck pushing out his chair and stalking out of the kitchen right afterwards. “What’s gotten into him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie threw another frantic look at Hen, who nodded quickly that she would take care of the situation up here. At that, Eddie pushed back his own chair with a quick, “Excuse me,” thrown over his shoulder before running down the stairs after his best friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His best friend who was currently pacing by one of the trucks, looking for all the world that he wanted to punch something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie, probably. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking a deep, bracing breath, Eddie squared his shoulders and moved into Buck’s space as confidently as he could. “Buck?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The younger man stopped pacing for a second, resuming a second afterwards. “Not now, Eddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we please talk about this?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that, Buck whirled around, fire in his eyes. “Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span> you want to talk? You’ve been dating someone and you just, what? Forgot to tell me? But sure, let’s talk now!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the second time that morning, Eddie felt a blush crawl across his skin, but this time from genuine embarrassment that rose with Buck’s voice. To stop the entire station from hearing every detail, he reached out and grabbed Buck’s arm, dragging him to the nearby supply closet. “In, you’re not yelling at me in front of everyone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck looked like he was about to fight him on that too, but relented after a moment by stepping over the threshold, Eddie closing the door behind them. “Yes, okay?” He said, going back to Buck’s earlier question, as rhetorical as it may have been. “Yes, I started dating again, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what, just decided that you were going to keep it a secret forever? Let us know after you’d gotten married?” Buck’s tone was angry, his whole posture tense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s ridiculous and you know it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I? Because all I know right now is that you’re apparently deep enough into a relationship to be spending the night and you haven’t said jackshit!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t ready for everyone to know!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that, Buck instantly deflated, and he faltered for a moment before responding quietly. “I didn’t realize I was just part of ‘everyone.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Immediately, Eddie’s heart broke at the pain in Buck’s voice and he pulled the younger man forward into a tight hug. “You’re not, okay? You’re not everyone, and you’re right, I should have told you.” And this, here, was the moment to truly open up, tell Buck that Chim had it wrong, that it wasn’t a woman, but he hesitated. Hesitated because that would bring about a thousand new questions and explanations that Eddie wasn’t sure he was ready for. Hesitated only for a moment longer, knowing that whatever questions it brought, Buck deserved the truth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hesitated for just long enough for the alarm to go off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled back from Buck, not letting go of his shoulders yet, almost yelling to be heard over the blaring. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. We can talk about it more later, but I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck gave a small smile, hurt not totally erased from his eyes but light years better than it had been. “I already have, part of being a team, remember? But you promise you’ll answer all my questions later?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise,” Eddie replied, tamping down his nerves as to what that would mean as he backed out of the room. “Anything you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The call was long and exhausting, followed by a never ending stream of incidents that landed them back at the station for barely half an hour at a time between each. Their last call had lasted hours, and by the time that they all made it back to the station, their shift had been over for forty minutes already. Buck had left the station with a tired, “Raincheck?” in regards to their talk, and Eddie couldn’t lie that there wasn’t a small part of him that was relieved that it had been pushed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other part of him, though, felt guilty. Guilty for hiding things, guilty for hurting Buck, and now even more guilty for making Greyson think that there was any sort of hope for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The call had been long and exhausting, and in the middle of it, Buck had been thrown through a window when there was a small explosion from a propane tank. Eddie had already come outside the building and so had a full view of the younger man flying through the air, landing hard on the ground, and not popping back up as soon as expected. Eddie had dropped the oxygen mask on his face and run to Buck’s side, heart still not beating right from the anxiety that had been coursing through him. He had dropped to his knees at Buck’s side just as he was starting to push himself up, and it was all Eddie could do not to wrap him in a hug and never let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was clear the event had stunned Buck more than anything else, but for Eddie, it was also clear that a relationship with anyone else was just a bandaid. The love and need that he felt for Buck was just as strong as it had been when he had first started putting himself back out there, even more if he was honest with himself. He wasn’t invested in this thing he had with Greyson, not truly, and he knew in that moment letting things continue would just be leading the other man on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So as he watched Buck leave the station in the hazy morning light, Eddie tiredly waited for his Uber to take him to Greyson’s place, already dreading the conversation that was coming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time that Eddie finally left Greyson’s house, he was exhausted. Drained, emotionally and physically spent. It hadn’t been an easy breakup, even if they had never laid down explicit terms of expectations or guidelines, and Eddie never liked hurting anyone that he cared about. Even if, ultimately, he hadn’t cared about Greyson in the same way the other man had wanted him to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now he had just gotten home for the first time in almost 30 hours and still found that he couldn’t go in and sleep peacefully. He couldn’t get Buck’s hurt expression from earlier out of his mind, couldn’t lay down knowing that he had caused his best friend to feel so inconsequential in his life. So instead of trying, he let himself give into those feelings by grabbing his car keys and climbing wearily into his truck, driving to Buck’s on autopilot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew Buck was likely to be asleep, but he was banking that it would be one of those times where Buck took a while to settle down post-shift. And if not, he figured he could just let himself in and figure out what to do then. Immediately his mind turned to the next problem, and he could feel the stress building about what potential questions could be coming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t worried about telling Buck that he was bisexual, knew that if it was even a blip on Buck’s radar, it would be because it was one more thing Eddie had kept to himself. But he was worried about Buck digging to the truth of the matter by needing to know where he had met this mysterious man, why had he started dating now, why, why, why, and at the end of that road, Eddie knew he would end up confessing to things that would ruin their friendship. He didn’t know the right way to do this, only knew that he owed Buck the truth, lest he convince himself that he wasn’t an important fixture in Eddie’s life anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let the anxiety over everything carry him to the front door, let it bring his hand up to use his key to let himself into Buck’s apartment, let it take his feet past the kitchen to the sounds of the television, where Buck was dozing on the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, where Buck </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> been dozing, and where Buck was now sitting up, confusion etched into his face. “Eds? What are you doing here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened his mouth, but for a second nothing came out. Finally, though, he took a deep breath and tried again. “I know you’re tired and need to sleep, I need to sleep too, but I couldn’t, not without making sure we were okay. Not without letting you ask your questions about everything because you’re...you’re my family, and if there is anyone that I trust in this world, it’s you. I just needed to make sure that you knew that, that you’re so important to me and always will be, and not let it fester. So, I’m here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck blinked a few times, a shy smile playing around his lips. “You haven’t slept since the night before last, yeah?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time it was Eddie’s turn to be confused. “Yeah, so?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you still drove over here just for me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The confusion deepened, and Eddie was sure it bled into his voice. “Yes?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, then we’re good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie blinked, knowing and not caring that he was doing his best impression of an internet meme. “Just like that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just like that,” Buck confirmed. “I was hurt, yeah, but you coming here...it means a lot. You don’t have to share anything with me that you don’t want to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that, Eddie quickly sat down by Buck’s side and squeezed his friend’s knee. “Hey, it had nothing to do with not wanting to share with you, okay?” It did, just not for any reason that Eddie was willing to share right now, given the fact that Buck had so miraculously and unknowingly steered the conversation away from sensitive secrets. So instead, Eddie shot for as best version of the truth as he could. “I was a little embarrassed and more than a little rusty, and I knew that if I made it a big deal, it would become a big deal with everyone and I just wasn’t prepared for that. And you’ve been starting to date again and I know that it’s been tough for you, after Ali and then Abby coming back, and I didn’t want to add my drama to your plate.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know that what’s going on in your life doesn’t ‘add to my plate’, right? That’s what I’m here for. We could have been double dating all this time!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie quickly tamped down the flare of jealousy that ran through him at the idea of having to witness Buck dating someone else night after night, shoving it into the same deep, dark corner of himself that he had been unsuccessfully trying shoving all his other feelings regarding Buck lately. After a barely noticeable moment that he took to collect himself, he just shook his head. “Definitely not ready for that. I’ve barely been ready for what I have been doing. Which isn’t much—a lot of awkward first dates, only a few overnights. At their place,” he added quickly, trying to not let his blush be too obvious. “It’s been nothing more than that, and I already broke it off with the person Chim saw drop me off this morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck raised his eyebrow. “Already?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another flare of emotion, but this time guilt for knowing that he was going to be less generous with the truth than he should be. “It wasn’t anything serious, a handful of dates, but we had different ideas about how serious things were going to be going forward. So I guess, it wasn’t anything serious for </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and I called it off before I came here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were both silent for a moment, the quiet sounds of the tv show washing over them, enveloping them in soothing sound. Finally, though, Buck broke the silence. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for taking the time to explain, too. I wasn’t kidding when I said it means a lot. Motives for me, they’re important, so it really helps knowing that you weren’t setting out to hurt me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t, I swear,” Eddie replied quickly, because even if this whole thing had begun as a way to help him get over the man sitting next to him, even if he’d kept this to himself for a few different reasons, hurting Buck was the last thing he ever wanted to do. “For the record, any future dates, you’d be the first to know. Just so happens that I think I’m ready to be done with all of that for a while, so don’t be worried when there aren’t any updates any time soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Buck questioned, surprise coloring his tone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, Eddie didn’t have to massage the truth in any way to make it come out right. “It’s frankly a lot of work, and to be honest, I’ve got most everything I need already.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>--- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Eddie’s alarm went off later, he woke up to the feeling of Buck’s arm slung across him, both of them having migrated together into the center of Buck’s large bed, and it took him a moment to remember how they got there (</span>
  <em>
    <span>“Eddie, we are both dead tired and my bed is plenty big, okay? If you offer to take the couch one more time, I will carry you up the stairs—and I can do that, I’m a fireman”</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The feeling of closeness to the man he loved, but would never have, sent jolts of want and hurt through him. He was glad that Buck was a heavy sleeper off of shift because he didn’t wake up with Eddie’s alarm, and therefore didn’t see what Eddie knew to be a pained expression on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was only as Eddie was sliding himself off the mattress that Buck finally stirred. “Where’re you goin’?” Buck murmured, face still smushed into his pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to go get Chris from school. Go back to sleep.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The younger man scrunched his face, but still didn’t open his eyes. “Wan’ company?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie couldn’t help but laugh softly, not caring about the clear fondness in it. “You’re barely conscious right now, and I guarantee you, you won’t even remember this conversation later. Come over for dinner later, if you’re up to it. I’ll text you and remind you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mkay,” was the sleepy response, and by the time that Eddie had finished putting back on his shoes, Buck’s soft snores were already floating into the loft. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed his phone and wallet from the nightstand and was almost to the top of the steps when he stopped, throwing a look over his shoulder at Buck. It wasn’t that Eddie didn’t get to see the other man soft and unguarded in his sleep ever, but it had never come after sleeping in the same bed before. The feelings of want he had woken up with hadn’t dissipated totally, and he blamed those leftover feelings on what he did next. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Walking quietly back over to Buck’s side of the bed, he brushed a careful hand through his curls, gently ran his thumb over his birthmark. After a moment to measure Buck’s breaths were still even, still indicating slumber, he leaned down, and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After their conversation at Buck’s place, things seemed to slide back into normality over the next month. Eddie had told Hen that he had broken up with Greyson, that he was done dating. “For now,” he’d tacked on quickly, but it hadn’t been hard to see the understanding and compassion in her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were no more hidden dates for Eddie, but somehow in the intervening weeks, it was as though Buck’s own desire to date had also dwindled. Eddie was too afraid to to ask, not wanting to risk any real answer ruining his fantasy that Buck had stopped dating because he was secretly in love with Eddie; instead, he embraced the extra days that he got to see Buck again, indulged in all the extra time with his best friend that he had gotten back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t perfect, Eddie knew that, and he knew it wasn’t healthy to spend so much time pining over someone he would never have. He didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life, wanted to have that partnership with someone again, the sharing of a life, the domestic routine, and he knew that he had given up on trying to get over Buck too soon. Maybe if Buck had continued to casually—and eventually seriously—date, it would have been different but he didn’t, and more than that, Eddie could admit that there was a part of him that didn’t want to get over Buck. It was a larger part of him than was probably healthy, but he wasn’t quite willing to yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck was special, brought so much lightness to Eddie’s life that he couldn’t imagine replacing that with someone else, didn’t want to crave anyone’s attention like he craved Buck’s. He didn’t want to replace Buck’s place in his—and Christopher’s—life, didn’t want to cause Buck the pain of ever being replaced, even if that meant being platonic forever. And essentially celebate, he supposed, not without some chagrin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe the answer was… “Casual hookups,” he muttered to himself, causing Chim to choke on his coffee at the station’s kitchen table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, what was that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blushing furiously, he stood up quickly. “Nothing, sorry,” he forced out before rushing down to put in some time working out, thankful only that it wasn’t Buck who had been sitting at the table with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>--- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their shift had been mostly quiet, for which Eddie had been grateful. Christopher had fought him the night before about going to sleep, meaning no one in the Diaz household had slept well. He’d spent a lot of the last sixteen hours being horizontal somewhere in the station house, and when Buck had found him for a second time curled up on the sofa, he said as much, which earned a laugh from the younger man. “You definitely jinxed us now, Eds.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I didn’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said it’d be quiet, you know the rules. Anytime someone says that, the universe listens and—” The rest of Buck’s words were cut off by the sound of the alarm going off, and Eddie couldn’t help but shake his head in exasperated fondness at Buck’s triumphant laugh. “Told you!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Eddie responded as he rolled off the sofa, jogging behind Buck to get into their gear and onto the truck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they were all loaded on, Bobby’s voice filtered through their headsets, relaying the news from dispatch. “This is a tough one, everyone, and we’re going to have another station there working the scene with us. Greyhound bus crash, which would be one thing, but the bus is hanging off the side of the road over a hundred foot straight drop. They’re going to be bringing in some equipment to try to pull it back, but we’ve got injured in there and they don’t know how long it’s going to take to successfully stabilize. Eddie, Buck, you’re going to be working on getting people out of the bus when we get there—much as I’d like to wait until the bus was back on solid ground, the 911 call said we have some pretty severely injured, so we are going to get them out first. Lots of slow movements, okay boys?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it, Cap,” Eddie responded, seeing Buck nod along with him. The rest of the way up into the hills was quiet in the truck, everyone seeming to prepare the best they could for the tension and work the night would bring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they finally rolled up to the scene, it took Eddie only a few moments to figure out why the stabilization was going to be trickier than anyone wanted. The bus was on its side, almost three quarters of the way out over the ledge, and even worse, the angle of the road before the cliff edge meant that the bus wasn’t flat ; how gravity hadn’t taken it over the side already was a mystery to him since it looked like it was a small breeze away from sliding the rest of the way over. The road in this spot was curved and narrow, and cranes or other large equipment would have a hard time fitting—they were having to park a ways down, and there weren’t a lot of trees or other structures to anchor it to. Then again, for all he knew, it might be a simpler process than he was estimating, but there was no doubt that either way it would take time that anyone seriously injured and trapped inside might not have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they hopped out of the truck, Bobby stopped both Buck and he. “We don’t know what the situation is going to be like in there, and maneuvering could be difficult. I want you both to wear a harness so that you can secure yourselves to the interior as you go. I want to control potential slides as much as possible, got it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck answered for them both in the affirmative, and they moved to grab their gear before heading up the hill to the crash site. A police officer greeted them at the rear of the bus with a nod. “We’ve not sent anyone in there yet, we didn’t want to risk the stability before we had to. We’ve spoken to a few people, though, and they all know that we’re asking everyone to keep still as much as possible. Sounds like half might be minor injuries, but definitely a few that are going to be critical to get out of there as fast as possible.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Understood,” Eddie responded, with a nod of thanks. “We’ll keep movement to a minimum, as much as possible.”  With that, he shared a quick look with Buck, and then moved through the broken back window, getting his first glimpse of the inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Broken glass was everywhere, twisted and jagged metal from the frame of the bus where it had been punched in creating hazards the whole way down. It was clear that the minor injuries the officer had spoken about were the ones wearing their seatbelts, as evidenced by the fact that they were still sitting in their seats. “I’m Firefighter Diaz, this is Firefighter Buckley,” Eddie yelled out as they took their first careful steps inside. “Please remain where you are, we’re going to focus first on the most seriously injured. We’ll be coming up the aisle to do checks, so just hang tight!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They moved through the wreckage slowly, assessing as they went. Most of the people they had spoken to indeed had minor injuries, meaning that they could wait to move until the bus was less likely to go plummeting over the edge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie had just finished up with the person he was talking to when a frantic, “Help! I don’t think he’s breathing anymore!” sounded through the cabin. Meeting Buck’s eye for the briefest of moments to indicate that he could handle it, Eddie unclipped his safety harness from the leg of the seat he was standing by, and moved as quickly as he safely could towards the sound of the shout. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reclipped his line to the pole by the door, stepping forward carefully to the corner of the windshield where the driver had been thrown. There was a woman still seatbelted into the seat in the front row, and it was clearly her who had yelled, confirming it when she spoke tremulously again. “I’ve been watching his breath fog up the window, and it’s stopped, please help him!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie scanned the unconscious man quickly, eyes staying fixed even as he yelled behind him.. “Buck, I’m going to need help up here.” As he heard Buck’s cautious footfalls, he faced him, speaking quickly. “We’re going to need to pull him off the window to even take a look. I’m going to go out there and push him towards you, you pull slowly once you’ve got him, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck nodded, nerves clear in his expression. “Just be careful,” he responded, but Eddie was already moving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He inched along as slowly as he dared, not knowing how weak the glass might be beneath his weight, how secure the entrance door’s latches might still be, but knowing time was of the essence. Finally, he got into a good position to begin moving the man towards Buck, who had reached forward to help pull. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck had just gotten the man onto a more solid section and was leaning down to feel for a pulse when Eddie’s quick intake of breath drew his attention away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s quick intake of breath caused by the feeling of cracks spreading quickly beneath his feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eds, what’s—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie felt the glass break beneath him, and he started falling, only jolting to a stop when the line connecting him to the bus pulled taut. He bounced sharply against the end of the rope, not able to stop the groan from escaping his lips as pain flared in his hips, but it was almost drowned out by the groan that came from the bus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A groan that immediately had his eyes flying to Buck’s, who was looking at him in horror. “Eddie, you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good,” he called back, ignoring the pain in his hips to take stock of the situation. He was swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and every time he hit the outermost points of the arc, the bus let out another creak. He was dead weight pulling against the already precariously perched vehicle, and he wasn’t liking the outcome he was coming to in his head. “Buck, I’m going to try to climb the line real quick, okay? I’m not doing any favors for the balance of this thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck nodded, face lined with worry. “Just be careful!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie didn’t bother responding, merely started to pull carefully on the line to shift his body weight up. He’d barely pulled on it slightly when everything seemed to shake and he slid down a few inches—not because he had moved, but because the bus had slid further over the cliff edge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their radios immediately flared to life. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Buckley, Diaz, whatever you just did, </span>
  </em>
  <span>don’t</span>
  <em>
    <span> do it again, you copy? We’re working to get it secure, but that caused some serious sliding. The engineers just said it’s just about at its tipping point, okay?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeting Bucks’ eye, Eddie nodded slightly to let him know to respond to Bobby. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Copy that, Cap. We have a little problem, though, the window under Eddie broke and he’s hanging by his line. He just tried climbing up to get back in, but obviously that wasn’t a good idea.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, definitely not. Let me talk to the engineers, see what they say. Hold tight.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie sent a reassuring smile to Buck, yelling up to him, “Keep working on the driver, I’ll be fine!” before turning his attention back to the problem at hand. Climbing back up was out, but the weight of him hanging fifteen feet below the bus, while still being connected to it, was clearly causing issues if the continuing sounds of strained metal were anything to go by. He could hang here until someone was able to get a line to him from the ground, but in reality, to get to his position it would take a helicopter to drop it from above. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was just about to radio that Bobby when he suddenly dropped another foot as the bus sank further down its incline. He was trying to stay calm when his radio crackled to life once again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Buckley, Diaz, they’re saying one more fall like that and the entire bus is going to go over. Buck, I need you to start evacuating everyone you can, while you can. We’re working as fast as possible up here, and Eddie, we’re going to think of something.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie knew that there were people inside the bus who wouldn’t be able to be moved quickly, that were counting on the bus being stabilized so that they could be too, who needed as much time as possible to be extricated and saved. The bus could go over at any second now, with the added weight and variable of Eddie’s body, which would kill not only them but Buck too. Buck, who Eddie knew wouldn’t get out while Eddie was still in danger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cool determination filled his veins, knowing what had to happen. Slowly, so slowly and so carefully, Eddie reached down into his boot where he kept his knife, trying not to think of another time he had reached for the same knife to save a little boy’s life. Then, though, he knew the bottom of a well shaft waited for him; this time, there was nothing but a long drop and certain death. Once the knife was secured, he moved it behind his back so that Buck couldn’t see it, so that he couldn’t try to do something rash before Eddie could make his own move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a few deep breaths to prepare himself, calmer than he thought he’d be, knowing everything that he would be leaving behind. Finally ready, he called out Buck’s name, and the younger man quickly appeared in the broken window, obviously not having gone far. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eds? You okay? Just hang on, we’ll figure this out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck, you and I both know that this bus isn’t going to stay stable until they finish securing it. I’m pulling it down, and it’s going to be minutes, maybe seconds, until that happens.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true, you just need to be patient, everything is going to work out!” Buck’s tone was just turning frantic, knowing him well enough that he knew something was up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So Eddie didn’t bother to answer that, and just let the words flow out of him. “I love you. I’m so in love with you. I haven’t told you and I should have but there were things and reasons, and none of them matter now. You are so special, never forget that, and worth so much more than you will ever think. I love you, and aside from Christopher, you’re the best thing that happened in my life. I would have grown old with you, if I could have.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck’s eyes had grown wide, his face pale. “What the fuck, Eddie, stop it, you’re going to be fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need you to take care of Chris, okay? I need you to make sure he knows how much I loved him, that I wouldn’t have left him if there’d been another choice, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, damn it, we’re going to figure something out—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need you to make him smile, like only you can, and I need you to make sure he knows that it’s okay to laugh, that it’s okay to be happy again. And I need you to know that too. None of this is your fault.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, I swear to god—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promise me, okay? Promise me that you’ll always remember how much I love you both.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, fucking—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promise me, Buck, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, of course I fucking promise but I need you to stop saying shit like this!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck, you and I both know that it can be everyone, or it can just be me. Please remember how much I love the both of you.” He hated the look of anguish on Buck’s face, hated that he knew the younger man was about to open his mouth and refute that, but Eddie had his promise. So without waiting another moment, he swiftly reached up and cut his line. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The air rushed past him as he fell, and he tried to relax, keeping a mental picture of Buck and Christopher bright in his mind right up until the moment of impact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was disoriented, and didn’t know anything except that everything hurt. Everything hurt and everything was pain.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t what anyone would classify as awake, but he could still sense a few things. He could hear people speaking around him, but he couldn’t make out the words. There was a bright light that he could just make out through the crack in his eyelids, and he thought he could hear beeping, beeping that was rapidly speeding up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He vaguely remembered breaking through to consciousness at some point previously, but this time, his thoughts were more collected, more his own. Everything still hurt something fierce, but it was slightly muted, cushioned by what could only be strong narcotics. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought sluggishly for a moment, trying to remember what had happened, and when he did, he would have felt surprised at surviving if he was able to focus on feeling anything other than what had to be broken bones. He didn’t know how he survived, but he must have, because surely death wouldn’t be this painful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t aware enough to open his eyes, wasn’t put back together enough to announce his semi-conscious state to the world, but he could hear someone speaking in the room. Someone who’s voice he knew, who made him feel safe and warm and </span>
  <em>
    <span>home. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hen, he told me he loved me.” The whisper was quiet, full of anguish. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A breath out, and then, “He did?” A question, but not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A pause. “I thought you’d be surprised.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was the sound of a chair being scooted closer, and a small sniff. “Eddie, he...I probably shouldn’t tell you any of this, but he told you first, so I’m going to cut myself a little slack. A little while back, I asked him how he was doing because I was worried. He was withdrawn and clearly struggling with something, and to be totally honest, he looked a little heartbroken. I wasn’t expecting much, because he’s him, and no one does closed-off like Eddie. I also figured that if there was something truly wrong he would have talked to you, so I assumed it would be a moot point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But he confided in me, told me how difficult it’d been for him to watch you date again because of how much he loved you. All he wanted—all he wants—is for you to be happy, but it was tearing him up inside. You know him—he desperately wants to be happy too, even if he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. So he wanted advice on how to move on, because he was sick of letting his feelings for you get in the way of being the best friend you deserve. I don’t think there’s a time that boy has seen a problem and hasn’t found a way to sacrifice himself in the solution.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a choked sob, completely identifiable as Buck even before he asked his next question, and it was only when he felt pressure on his right hand did he realize that Buck must have been holding it. “Did you know he was into guys before that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve known he was bi since the beginning; once he found out I was gay, he wanted to not only offer his support but also ask what it was like here, how accepting everyone was or wasn’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He never told me,” Buck replied, heartbreak clear in his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh babe, I don’t think it has anything to do with you. He’s never been shy or ashamed about it, from what I know. I just think it wasn’t something that was ever going to come up when he was married because he was married, even when it was only on paper, and after Shannon...it’s not like we’ve really ever seen him go out much, you know? I’m sure it just didn’t ever come up naturally, and it’s hard to find the right time to tell someone—even someone you know will be completely accepting—especially when that someone you want to tell happens to be the person you’re head over heels in love with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a beat and then another quiet sob. “I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See, so you shouldn’t—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Hen. I mean, I know because...because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time the breath that Hen let out was surprised. “What are you saying, Buck?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was quiet in the room for long enough that Eddie felt himself being pulled under into sleep once more. He desperately wanted to stay awake to hear what Buck was going to say, how he was going to respond, but with each second, he could feel himself fading, sinking deeper and deeper into the haze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He drifted awake, feeling more aware than the last time he’d been semi-conscious, and he couldn’t help the low groan that slipped out. “Motherfucker.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slowly blinked his eyes open, taking in the late afternoon light painting his hospital room in soft golden tones. He still felt a bit floaty from the pain medication, still felt exhaustion threatening to drag him back under, but the underlying ache in his body and the pounding in his head seemed to indicate that another dose was due soon, and he wanted to stay awake until then. He was just about to try to sit up and take stock of his body when the door was pushed open quietly, and his eyes flew up to see Buck halt in surprise in the doorway, coffee cup in hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eds,” Buck breathed out, “you’re awake.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let his head fall back against the hospital bed, already worn out, not sure if he was glad Buck was the one that was in his room or not, not sure if he was ready to address what he had confessed to his best friend. But in the end, as with all things, he was just glad to be in Buck’s presence. “How long?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck looked nervous as he moved closer, another expression flashing through his eyes that Eddie couldn’t quite identify.. “It’s been four days since…” He paused and cleared his throat, and suddenly that second emotion became clear: anger. “Four days since you cut your line and tried to die. Again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wasn’t a choice.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wasn’t a choice, he says, of course. I’ll make sure I remember that the next time I do something insane and you get mad at me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck…” Eddie trailed off, rubbing a hand over his eyes and wincing at the movement. “Not now. Was everyone okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck’s tone was still sharp. “On the bus? Yeah, the only fatality was the driver. And don’t worry, there would have been nothing we could have done even without you falling, he would have never made it to the hospital.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And Chris?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s okay,” Buck responded, his voice finally softening. “He’s been scared, worried, but we kept most of the details from him. He just knows you had a fall and have been in the hospital, that you’ve been asleep. He’s been staying with your grandmother. She brought him in once, to see that you were alive, but we thought it would be better to keep him home until you woke up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Good,” Eddie replied tiredly. “And how am I alive? What’s the damage?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The younger man dropped heavily into the seat placed next to the hospital bed, one where Eddie could safely bet Buck had been spending a lot of time lately. “We—you—got lucky. There was a small outcropping fifty feet down and you managed to land on it, your helmet keeping your skull mostly intact.” Here the anger started creeping into Buck’s voice again, but Eddie could hear how it was undercut by worry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By all rights we should have been at your funeral this week, but somehow you hit that and didn’t roll off. You have a skull fracture, and they kept you sedated for the first two days to help with intracranial pressure. You’ve got a broken hip, femur, and kneecap in your left leg, you dislocated and cracked your left shoulder, and you’ve got more broken ribs than whole ones. You’ve also a few titanium rods and pins heavier now, because they had to stabilize some of those ribs and the bones in your leg. You also had massive internal bleeding, in case you were wondering, but they managed to save all your organs, even though your kidney is bruised and they were fairly sure you were going to lose your spleen at one point. You were Humpty Dumpty, but fortunately for all of us, your surgeons were better than all the king’s horses and men.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is...is that all?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there, the anger was back full force. “Is that </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Isn’t that enough? You’ve only barely been moved out of the ICU, they weren’t sure you were going to make it for the first day or so. I had to watch you fucking cut your line, fucking fall, fucking hit the ledge, and that was after...after you…” He stopped with a choked off sob, and Eddie’s heart clenched, both in causing Buck pain and also for the rejection he knew was coming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have to talk about it,” Eddie whispered. “We really don’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For fuck’s sake, you can’t just expect—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck.” He could hear the pleading in his voice, the clear anxiety, but couldn’t find it in himself to care. He didn’t want Buck to tell him that he wasn’t interested, that he would never be interested. He didn’t want Buck to tell him these things and then start the slow process of disengaging from him, from Chris, from this half life they had built together. He wanted to keep things paused for as long as possible before they inevitably started changing, and he wondered if Buck could see the desperation in his expression, in his eyes. “Please, just...let’s ignore what I said, okay? We can talk l-later, just let’s wait for now. Just tell me that nothing is going to change. ” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Eddie,” Buck replied, his voice almost painfully soft and tender. “Nothing is going to change, Eds, I promise. Everything will be okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded, closing his eyes against the sudden tears that had sprung up. He let the pain and exhaustion, both tinged with relief for the temporary reprieve, wash over him, and bring him back to unconsciousness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>--- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t talk about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>During the week Eddie was in the hospital and Buck was there every free moment, they didn’t talk about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>During the eight weeks when Eddie was healing and Buck practically moved into the Diaz household to help care for both father and son while Eddie couldn’t even manage crutches, they didn’t talk about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>During the three months when Buck somehow arranged with Bobby to only work twelve hour shifts so Eddie wouldn’t have to be alone for too long, they didn’t talk about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>During the four months that Eddie’s leg and hip healed, as he did physical therapy, as he worked towards coming back to work, they. didn’t. talk. about. it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was driving Eddie a little nuts, when he thought about it in the moments when his focus wasn’t on putting his body back together. Buck had clearly done everything in his power to show Eddie that nothing had changed, that nothing was going to change because of the latter’s almost-deathbed confession, but even all these months later, he couldn’t help but be anxious that the other shoe was going to drop. That when Eddie was finally able to come back to work, resume his old life and his old responsibilities, Buck was going to start creating distance between them that he’d felt too guilty to create when Eddie was still weak. So as much as he was hoping the conversation would never come, that they would, in fact, just keep ignoring the elephant in the room, he almost needed that resolution either way to begin finally moving on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so it was with some trepidation that he got ready for his first day back at work. Aside from the lingering ache in his bones that came with any slight change in the weather, he had been deemed healthy and fit, in perfect condition to return to full duty. He was so eager to get back to his family at the 118, even if he had seen them regularly during the intervening months, but he couldn’t help but be afraid of what the end of his shift might bring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped Chris off at school before making his way into the station, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves before getting out of the car. He had barely made it three steps before being pulled into a fierce hug by Hen, who had just gotten out of her own car. “Welcome back, Eddie! How are you feeling?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His responding smile was genuine; her enthusiasm sparked his own, even when it was long buried. “I’m good, really good. Ready to be here, even if Bobby makes me be the man behind for a while. Even sitting in the station is loads better than sitting at home anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure he’ll make you take it easy, but he knows you need to get back out there—we all do. Speaking of we, where’s your other half? I’m surprised Buck didn’t come in with you today.” The smile fell from his face, which caused Hen’s face to fall too. “Eddie? Did something happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a moment, he forced a lightness into his posture he wasn’t entirely sure he felt. “Nope, I just figured I should get used to doing things on my own again.” Hen was silent, just raising her eyebrow against the lie. “Okay, fine, I told him that I was in love with him before I fell because I thought I was going to die and I needed him to know, and we haven’t talked about it. We haven’t talked about it and I’m fairly certain he’s going to find a way to platonically break up with me now that I’m healthy and he can do it without feeling guilty.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as he finished speaking, Hen burst out laughing. “You’re kidding me, right? You do know that Buck would never cut you out of his life? Like, no matter what. Tell me that you’re not that stupid that you would actually think otherwise. He loves you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know he loves me as a friend, but…” He trailed off, Hen’s point hitting him clearly in that moment. “Oh. You mean he loves me enough to make our friendship work no matter my romantic feelings.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well yes, but also—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eds! You’re here!” Buck’s enthusiastic shout almost echoed across the parking lot, and Eddie held onto that calm feeling that had just rushed over him in place of the anxiety he was anticipating. Because Hen was right, Buck did love him. He had proved that over and over again during Eddie’s recovery, and it was high time that Eddie had trust in the strength of their friendship. It wasn’t fair to doubt the younger man when he’d done nothing but show that he’d meant what he’d said in the hospital all those months ago: everything was fine and nothing had changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So when Buck held out his arms for a hug, Eddie sunk into them with relief, and when Buck leaned into him on the sofa or rested a hand on his hip in the kitchen, Eddie let him without issue. The soft, fleeting, reassuring touches that Buck had always done but increased lately, probably to reassure and reaffirm that their relationship was still strong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so in the end, he decided to talk to Buck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bobby had only scheduled him for a twelve hour shift, with the next day off, and had been nice enough to do the same for Buck, just in case Eddie’s first day back had proved too taxing and he needed help at home afterwards. Thankfully, though, his body felt tired but good, though this did put him off shift too late to put Chris to bed—effectively giving him a kid-free night. So after he changed out of his uniform, he paused long enough to wait for Buck to finish as well before forcing himself to casually say, “Want to come over for a beer? Chris will already be asleep but you could take the guest room, surprise him in the morning?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d love to—I’ll meet you there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie left with a nod, making it home in time to say goodbye to Carla, in time to kiss his sleeping son’s forehead, before Buck quietly opened the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Christopher?” Buck asked as he was toeing off his shoes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleeping,” Eddie replied as he moved into the kitchen to grab two beers before making his way to the couch where Buck sat, already flipping through the channels to find something to watch. “Was by the time that I got here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I saw him only a few days ago, but I’m looking forward to seeing him in the morning,” Buck said with a smile, putting down the remote as he settled on a movie they’d been talking about watching for months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’ll be excited,” Eddie responded absently, rubbing his hand on his knee, silence descending as Buck focused on the screen. Even though he felt calmer in that Buck wasn’t going to up and flee, least of all months later, Eddie could finally safely admit to himself he was nervous. He’d needed Hen to kick some sense into him in that regard, to get him out of his own head in still being uncertain of Buck’s regard, but forcing himself to have this conversation, forcing himself to open this can of worms that Buck had let stay closed, was daunting. He didn’t know where to begin, where to—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to talk about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s head snapped up, Buck’s words catching him completely off guard. “What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you don’t want to, and I’ve respected that, I didn’t want to push. I wanted to wait until you were healed, but now I want to talk about it. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> to, Eds.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Panic hit him hard for a moment, insecurities telling him that everything he had been scared of was true, Hen be damned, before he forced it to the back of his mind. “That’s, uh, that’s actually why I wanted you to come over tonight.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, really?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Eddie responded, picking invisible lint off his sweats. “So can I just...can I start? I’m pretty sure if I don’t, I’m going to lose my nerve.” At Buck’s quick nod, he continued. “I was going to die,” he started, the words causing pain to flare in Buck’s eyes. “I was choosing to die, I was prepared for it; but I needed to give you that one thing before I did so that you would know how important you are. And I needed to say the words once so that I didn’t die keeping that secret from you. And then I didn’t die and I panicked because you knew and I was so certain that everything would change. And these past few months you essentially gave up your entire life to help me, and I kept waiting for that moment that you would walk away because I had ruined everything. But as Hen pointed out today, I should have known that you wouldn’t leave, because not only have you shown me time and time again, but we’re family. So I’m sorry for that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie paused for a moment, but Buck seemed to know that he had more to say, reading him as well as ever. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time, had feelings for you for longer. And I never wanted to stress you out with this, and even still, I’m not expecting everything. To be totally honest, that’s why I started dating again. Well, trying to, anyway. God, I was so fucking jealous and I was being a shitty friend and it’s why I couldn’t tell you, didn’t tell you. All my other reasons were still true, but I was so scared that I’d end up spilling that I was trying to get over you, and then I went and did it anyway. But the long and short of it is that yes, I love you, but I will get over it, okay? And I don’t expect anything and I just want you to be happy, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were both silent again, and Eddie watched the light from the TV change and play on Buck’s face. Finally, Buck spoke, his voice rough with an emotion Eddie couldn’t identify. “You should. Expect something, I mean.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, time felt frozen. “E-excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re an idiot, but that’s okay, because I’m one too. Let me start off by saying this: I only started dating because I needed to get over </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Because I was so ridiculously in love with you that it hurt, and I needed to figure out a way to stop pining over what I was never going to have. Because guess what? I’m bisexual too, but I’ve never really told anyone except Maddie and I never knew you were until you were hanging over the precipice, ready to die. So you should expect something from me because I’m in love with you too. It’s been killing me, knowing that you felt the same for the last four months without being able to do anything about it. Because I didn’t want to pressure you to do something when you didn’t seem like you wanted me to know, and I don’t want to pressure </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>right now, but god, Eddie, I want to kiss you so fucking bad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re serious right now?” Eddie’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest, hope and happiness flaring in him so bright that he didn’t know how his body was containing it. Suddenly, everything he had ever wanted lately felt like it was finally firmly in his grasp, and it was the best sort of whiplash.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As serious as you when you’re hanging by a rope and have a knife in your hand. Which, if you ever cut your line again, I will kill you myself, got it? Because I love you, Eddie Diaz, and—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie didn’t wait for Buck to finish his sentence, he just surged forward to press his lips against Buck’s. It went from pure and innocent to dirty and wet in about the same amount of time it took for Eddie to fling his leg over Buck’s to straddle him, pressing in as close as possible. When they finally broke for air, Eddie pressed his forehead to Buck’s, pressing kisses all over his face before coming to his lips once more. He felt so light and happy he could float away, knew without a doubt that Buck was feeling the same way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There would be so much more time to talk, to work out all the details of what Eddie already knew would be the rest of their lives, but for the moment, he just kissed Buck’s lips once more before whispering, “The only room you're sleeping in tonight is mine, okay?.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nowhere I’d rather be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>end</span>
  </em>
</p>
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